They're Arguing.
Again.

So I only came back to posting a few days ago..
But since then it's been like I never left.
Im bac in my old mindset again..
Although, something strange has happened.
Yesterday, I woke up and felt ill..
Really Ill.
So I didn't eat all day (like I need an excuse..?)
And then my mom got home:
"If you're going out you need something to eat"
So I did.
One slice of toast. Dry, obviously.
But as I was eating it, I felt like I was choking,
Panicing.
I just assumed it was sickness,
ate the toast,
got ready,
went out.
Felt ill all night.
Couldn't sleep for it.
Got out of bed at lunch time..to go hand a job application in.
But dad said I had to have food before I left.
Slice of toast round two.
Panic Attack.
My stomach hurts, I feel like I am getting no air and I literally CAN'T eat.
I feel full from the first bite.
And I just wonder whats going on.
Fear of food?
Or Illness?
I know im disordered to the extent of - bipolar, anxiety disorder, social phobias, OCD.
Im I adding another hard liquor affliction
to my cocktail of diagnosis?

Im going to post my weight.
Under a cut.
It'll be there
And you'll know, but only if you peek.
Judge Away.
I have, harshly.
Im 5,3".
Which makes it even more sickening.
Oh.
And I didn't MEAN to get this fat.
It. Just. Happened.
( Weight.. )

My LJ is becoming like my life.
I have too many friends that I don't talk to.
So...If you actually want to be kept, let me know?
x

In my last post, there is no veiled attempt at a want for people to pity me.
Im not going in for the "woe is me" angle, because I bring this on myself.
For those of you that actually read this shit.. You might know  that I write
It down to impede the poisonous worm of thoughts that would otherwise gnaw
at my already decomposing brain.
Oh, and for those of you who didn't know. Now you do.

You would Swear Too If It Happened To You.
Profusely.
Right, In My Head, This All Made Sense.
At The Time.
My Boyfriend Might Leave Me.
So, Not Only Do I Agree To Not Talk To Him Or See Him For A Week.
I Actually Believe Its The Right Thing To Do.
Then, And Just To Take A Moment To Jusify My Actions [Which'll Be A Futile Attempt Nontheless] I Have CoDependancy Issues.
So I Cannot Be Alone.
For Any Period Of Time,
So I Go Out.
I Go Out A Lot.
With Girls From My Course.
And Then A Girl From My Sixth Form.
Friday Night...We Went Out.
And I Met This Guy.
Who Has A Girlfriend.
But Grinds On Me While We Dance And Then Goes On To Kiss Me.
A Lot.
I Tell Him I Have A Boyfriend.
He Responds By Kissing Me More, And Snaking His Hand Up My Thigh.
Now Would Have Been A Good Time To Pull Away.
It Was 2am. I Could Have Gone Home.
And I Did.
But Not To My Home.
To My Friends.
With This Guy, Her And Her "Boyfriend"
Where I Proceed To Suck This Guys Cock...Twice.
You Know...Just To Make Sure I Fucked Myself Over Good And Proper.
It Could Have Been Worse. [Or Better?]
If Either Of Us Would Of Had A Condom We Would Have Fucked.
But...
This Actually Isn't Enough To Make Me Feel Revolted.
Because Out Of All This...
I Actually Think I Like The Guy.
As In.. Enough To Be With Him.
Although There Is The Slight Problem Of My Boyfriend [Who Will Probably Leave Me Soon]
And His Girlfriend [Who He Probably Won't Leave For Me Because Im Fat]
But.. If All Of That Turned In My Favour....
I Would Want To Be With Him.
Whats Wrong With Me?


____________________________________

On Another Note, I Am Mostly Feeling Numb To The Idea Of Taking My Own Life.
At The Moment Its Not A Question Of If... Its A  Question  Of When.
I Whole-Heartedly Believe That Doctors, Should Not Be Allowed Holidays.
Especially At Christmas.

I Can't Do This Alone.
I Just Can't Stick It On My Own.
I'll Trip. I'll Fall
With No One Left To Pick Me Up At All.
How Can You Just Let This Be?
I Thought You Loved Me For Me.
Now Theres Nothing Here. Just Nothing Left.
What, Thats It?
Its All Over.
Next?

Today, I Heard Some Gossip.
Well, Actually, Its More Gospel Than Gossip.
Because I Know For A Fact Its No Lie.
Heres What:
I Used To Get Bullied.
By Most Of The Girls In My Year.
But One Or Two In Particular.
Today I Found Out That One Of These Girls
Has Had To Have Her Foot And The Bottom Of Her Leg Ampitated.
She Was In An Accident And They Had To Cut It Off.
She'll Have A Plastic Foot From Now On.
And You Know What?
I Could Barely Suppress A Smile?
In Fact, I Didn't Even Try.
So, Am I Fundamentally Flawed?
No, Im Human. And Im Proud.
Nuff Sed.

For All those Nicole Richie Fans Out There...