Car Crash Couture x

Great...

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 17:01:58 GMT

They're Arguing.
Again.

She Fell So Fast...

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 15:03:09 GMT

So I only came back to posting a few days ago..
But since then it's been like I never left.
Im bac in my old mindset again..
Although, something strange has happened.
Yesterday, I woke up and felt ill..
Really Ill.
So I didn't eat all day (like I need an excuse..?)
And then my mom got home:
"If you're going out you need something to eat"
So I did.
One slice of toast. Dry, obviously.
But as I was eating it, I felt like I was choking,
Panicing.
I just assumed it was sickness,
ate the toast,
got ready,
went out.
Felt ill all night.
Couldn't sleep for it.
Got out of bed at lunch time..to go hand a job application in.
But dad said I had to have food before I left.
Slice of toast round two.
Panic Attack.
My stomach hurts, I feel like I am getting no air and I literally CAN'T eat.
I feel full from the first bite.
And I just wonder whats going on.
Fear of food?
Or Illness?
I know im disordered to the extent of - bipolar, anxiety disorder, social phobias, OCD.
Im I adding another hard liquor affliction
to my cocktail of diagnosis?

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 13:55:33 GMT

Im going to post my weight.
Under a cut.
It'll be there
And you'll know, but only if you peek.
Judge Away.
I have, harshly.
Im 5,3".
Which makes it even more sickening.
Oh.
And I didn't MEAN to get this fat.
It. Just. Happened.
126lbs
Like This in pictures:
.

It's Contagious..

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 18:03:08 GMT

Anorexia.
I have the symptoms and Im not the only one.
I've infected someone.
She was normal.
She was talking of dieting.
I said I'd join her.
Then she said she was doing a fruit and veg only thing.
I matched her to that.
Now shes downing diet pills like theyre last seasons collection
And eating nothing today because she feels "disgusting".
What the hell have I done?

The thing is, I've known her for a while, and she's always been the same weight.
We only started hanging out again recently
and she wasn't even thinking of dieting until I started going on about cutting out salt because its bad for her.
What're friends for eh? x

New Year's Evolution..

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 13:14:53 GMT

No More:
Drugs
Alcohol
..(Food)?

Plenty of:
Success - New Job
- Hard work at University/ Exams
- Excercise/ Healthy habits

Try not to:
Suck people in.
Manipulate people into getting them to care/do what you want.
Expect people to do what I would do..[Judge by examples, not experiences.]
Self deprecate for the sake of it,
Crave attention.

Friends Edit

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 10:09:18 GMT

My LJ is becoming like my life.
I have too many friends that I don't talk to.
So...If you actually want to be kept, let me know?
x

Oh...And To Clarify.

Sun, 21 Dec 2008 14:52:21 GMT

In my last post, there is no veiled attempt at a want for people to pity me.
Im not going in for the "woe is me" angle, because I bring this on myself.
For those of you that actually read this shit.. You might know that I write
It down to impede the poisonous worm of thoughts that would otherwise gnaw
at my already decomposing brain.
Oh, and for those of you who didn't know. Now you do.

It's My Journal, And I'll Swear If I Want To...

Sun, 21 Dec 2008 14:41:18 GMT

You would Swear Too If It Happened To You.
Profusely.
Right, In My Head, This All Made Sense.
At The Time.
My Boyfriend Might Leave Me.
So, Not Only Do I Agree To Not Talk To Him Or See Him For A Week.
I Actually Believe Its The Right Thing To Do.
Then, And Just To Take A Moment To Jusify My Actions [Which'll Be A Futile Attempt Nontheless] I Have CoDependancy Issues.
So I Cannot Be Alone.
For Any Period Of Time,
So I Go Out.
I Go Out A Lot.
With Girls From My Course.
And Then A Girl From My Sixth Form.
Friday Night...We Went Out.
And I Met This Guy.
Who Has A Girlfriend.
But Grinds On Me While We Dance And Then Goes On To Kiss Me.
A Lot.
I Tell Him I Have A Boyfriend.
He Responds By Kissing Me More, And Snaking His Hand Up My Thigh.
Now Would Have Been A Good Time To Pull Away.
It Was 2am. I Could Have Gone Home.
And I Did.
But Not To My Home.
To My Friends.
With This Guy, Her And Her "Boyfriend"
Where I Proceed To Suck This Guys Cock...Twice.
You Know...Just To Make Sure I Fucked Myself Over Good And Proper.
It Could Have Been Worse. [Or Better?]
If Either Of Us Would Of Had A Condom We Would Have Fucked.
But...
This Actually Isn't Enough To Make Me Feel Revolted.
Because Out Of All This...
I Actually Think I Like The Guy.
As In.. Enough To Be With Him.
Although There Is The Slight Problem Of My Boyfriend [Who Will Probably Leave Me Soon]
And His Girlfriend [Who He Probably Won't Leave For Me Because Im Fat]
But.. If All Of That Turned In My Favour....
I Would Want To Be With Him.
Whats Wrong With Me?

____________________________________

On Another Note, I Am Mostly Feeling Numb To The Idea Of Taking My Own Life.
At The Moment Its Not A Question Of If... Its A Question Of When.
I Whole-Heartedly Believe That Doctors, Should Not Be Allowed Holidays.
Especially At Christmas.

And It Hurts With Every Heartbeat

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 18:24:34 GMT

I Can't Do This Alone.
I Just Can't Stick It On My Own.
I'll Trip. I'll Fall
With No One Left To Pick Me Up At All.
How Can You Just Let This Be?
I Thought You Loved Me For Me.
Now Theres Nothing Here. Just Nothing Left.
What, Thats It?
Its All Over.
Next?

Karma Is A Bitch...And Yes, So Am I.

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 21:17:35 GMT

Today, I Heard Some Gossip.
Well, Actually, Its More Gospel Than Gossip.
Because I Know For A Fact Its No Lie.
Heres What:
I Used To Get Bullied.
By Most Of The Girls In My Year.
But One Or Two In Particular.
Today I Found Out That One Of These Girls
Has Had To Have Her Foot And The Bottom Of Her Leg Ampitated.
She Was In An Accident And They Had To Cut It Off.
She'll Have A Plastic Foot From Now On.
And You Know What?
I Could Barely Suppress A Smile?
In Fact, I Didn't Even Try.
So, Am I Fundamentally Flawed?
No, Im Human. And Im Proud.
Nuff Sed.

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 21:11:54 GMT

Liquid Fast
08/12/08
19:00.

Daddy's Gone

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:25:57 GMT

How you were my hero
How your never here though
Remember times when you put me on your shoulders?
How I wish it was forever you would hold us
Right now I'm too young to know
How in the future it will affect me when you go
You could have had it all
You, me, and mum y'know
Anything was possible

I wont be the lonely one
Sitting on my own and sad
A fifty year old
Reminiscing what I had

I wont be the lonely one
Sitting on my own and sad
Forget your dad, he's gone

All I wanted was to play on swings in the park
For you to race me home when it was nearly getting dark
How I could've been yours, and you be mine
It could've been me and you until the end of time
Do what you want, when you want
Be as fuckin' insincere as you can
What kind of way is that to treat your wife?
To see your girl on Saturdays
What way is that to live your life?

I wont be the lonely one
Sitting on my own and sad
A fifty year old
Reminiscing what I had

I wont be the lonely one
Sitting on my own and sad
Forget your dad, he's gone

A Crime/A Criminal

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 12:24:23 GMT

I am fucking Living for January 1st.
For a [nother] new start.
Another chance at success.
Recently I feel like nothing really ignites my drive
I know I have assignments, I know I rely on these to do well,
But is that enough?
No. They sit there. Untouched.
Im paying to fuck myself over.
But, other than that. Life Is Peachy.
Christmas is coming, and its not only the fucking goose who's getting fat.
Moi? Im guilty as charged.
I Starve. I Binge. I Purge.
Hi, Im Jack of all trades.
Master of none.
But You bet Im not going to give up?
Absofuckinglutely
x

Not Over Yet...

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 12:16:16 GMT

I'll live for you,
I'd die for you....
Do what you want me to.

Fuckit

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 19:52:54 GMT

Its been two minutes since I posted here.
For the first time in however the fuck long
Im swearing more because Im fucking pathetic
Its not necessary.
And it makes me look unenducated, as though I can't possibly think of another adjective.
Guess what?
Im failing again.
Failing at life
Failing at being human
Failing failing failing.
And guess what guys?
Uni makes you fat.
Well, it does if you're me
and you have no fucking self control.
Oh...and Im "cured" of OCD.
Im not....but I can;t get back into that annoying writing style again
because I have assignents and it'll drive my lecturers crazy.
so we don't talk about that.
Im ranting.
Where are my friends on here?
where are my buddies?
That I deserted.
That I shut out.
Fuckit
Fuckit
Fuckit
Fuckwit....Nuff Said?

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 19:42:05 GMT

She's Back.

Kat Von D [Thinspo?]NSFW.

Fri, 30 May 2008 14:48:17 GMT

Thinspo...[NSFW]

Fri, 30 May 2008 12:36:54 GMT

Nicole Richie Thinspo

Thu, 29 May 2008 11:49:26 GMT

For All those Nicole Richie Fans Out There...

My Nannan's Mirror Says Im Huge. [And THINSPO]

Tue, 27 May 2008 10:11:24 GMT

I Stayed At Hers Last Night.
She Made Me Dinner.
Steamed Salmon And New Potatoes.
She Forced Pudding On Me
[Which I Threw Half Away And Felt Sooooo Guilty].
Then At About 11pm She Tried Forcing Me To
Eat Like A Pack Of Biscuits.
Later, I Was Getting Changed Into
My PJs And I Glanced Across At The Mirror.
I Was Fucking Huge.
No, I AM Fucking Huge.
So...
For All Those Feeling The Fat Vibe...
Some Thinspo.
A Mix Of Model And Real.
Enjoy! ^_^

Tiny Tila! [NSFW]

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:56:00 GMT

Today I Am Mainly...

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 20:53:59 GMT

Failing Like A :
Motherbitch x

Girls. Girls. Girls.

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 11:47:54 GMT

B&W&ArtDeThinspo.

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 14:00:28 GMT

Americas Next Top Model Thinspo [NSFW]

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 12:38:15 GMT